apps-qt wird gestartet
yeh so what….
I am studying numerical analysis - the text book is electronic - I am therefore looking at my computer screen. In my taskbar comes the icon, telling me - updates are ready for my system. I click on it. Comes a display message: „apps-qt wird gestartet …..warte“.
It tells me to wait … Everything else in my life tells me to wait - to get what I want to. Now what do I want….
At the age of 21 things went really wrong and I am doubting about myself. Three year ago, when I used to look up at the sky, I used to wonder - about the stars. I still wonder the same. That time I wanted to become an astrophysicist. Years passed. I traveled around a lot. I sat beside a lonely lake, alone, on the heights of a mountain. Thunder struck the lake …. filling the valley. Wind shook my hair. Water droplets condensed on my bare skin, I shivered…. The stars were gone. For one year, studies were secondary. I spent most of time traveling, seeing, and meeting people. I kept on losing interest on stars. my professors were not responsive, and I kept on losing interest on the subject matter altogether.
However, things were probably not that bad. I decided to do an internship - deep down in south - deep deep deep deep deep down - ok I apologize for exaggeration. But instead of looking at the stars through the telescope, I looked at sun shining on the white dome on it. I traveled more …. I fell in love with the mountains.. the rivers … the girls…
Out of the blue, one day one girl asked me to stay with her in Berlin - much in North, under a scorching July sky. I rushed to Berlin. I left everything of south behind … oh the south … so much I did not do.
I came to Berlin. I took up another internship. I was boiling with enthusiasm. I asked a question about the operation of a certain camera. Came the answer: „du hast nur 16 megabite on-board RAM“ .. I was shaken….. With 16 mb of ram … the machine is set on a Marsbound Trajectory. Defiance - or? Interestingly, almost all of my colleagues took the same train to work, and back. Coincidence? All the time in the train, they kept on saying me, that I should write my thesis on a similar theme on which I worked there. I accepted the offer, and during the next few months, I did NOTHING BUT looked at my data, and played with it. I registered for courses in relativity, in astrophysics, in gamma ray bursts, in this and that. I could not focus in any of them. I could not focus in ANY OF THEM. All what I did was playing with my data, and discovering the endless beauty of their behavior under endless types of operators. The symmetry of the outputs, the independence of variables, and mostly the times when I myself forgot that I designed the analysis method to be foolproof, and then a chill went down my spines over a probable mistake - only to discover, that the system automatically recovered itself.
In the meantime, I read a paper. A photo of a galaxy made a group of researchers think that a bulge in the galaxy is a blackhole. Well. I felt only one thing - „well“ .
Is this what I am heading to? A bulge is a blackhole? It has eight and point six zero nine dimensions? So what???? This misses something this misses the pragmatism. In one hand, there is the challenge of setting out to Mars with only 16 mb of on-board RAM, and the instrument being less than an inch away from the target, and on the other hand, a picture of a Galaxy - taken from a million light year distance……. That is probably not what I want.
I want to do something real, something pragmatic. Something that requires facing a defiance. I want to fly, a real machine to a real target. My target should be something tangible. I can devote my everything, EVERYTHING, my heart, brain, body, nerves, everything. Should I feel bad that I messed up my relativity exam, or should I feel good that I found something one which I can devote my everything?
I registered for a course. but I did not study for it. I really did not take it seriously. I sacrificed my EVERYTHING for my thesis. Now after I submitted the thesis, I understand, that my thesis was trivial. I did a VERY TRIVIAL job - and I am now blaming myself. I am holding myself guilty. I need help.. Can someone set my mind on track?????
comment: i have nothing against the astro people. I respect them. But they are like the snipers. while sniping is an important skill, i don’t want to remain a sniper only. I want the skills of a guerrilla operator - who operates on tangible targets. While shooting targets from 2 km is, under certain context, very very important, I want to touch my targets……..
I need to know if I am honest to my passions……
not only to my girl… to my passion ? am i honest ???
